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Doing the same old thing is what got you here in the first place with your marriage. It’s time to add something fresh and exciting to your knowledge bank and find some tactics that actually work to get things back to the spicy, fun way that things used to be. Forget the tired old tactics that you think should work, but which in fact simply end up alienating your partner and driving them even further away. You need to supercharge your efforts with tactics which help to save the marriage in the real world, and not just in theory.

Luckily, the way to turn things around in your marriage is actually much quicker then the path you are on to divorce. You simply need to start appreciating each other again, and start seeing each other in the same light that you did when you first went out. When you first met it was probably passionate very quickly, or at the very least it developed into passion and love at some stage. You may have let it slip, but you can get it back. One of the immediate things that you need to do is to start talking to your partner properly again. Not just about politics, what is wrong with the world or your boss. But about all the juice of life stuff that used to make you smile together, used to make you laugh.

For most couples a great place to start rebuilding your relationship is to each draw up a list of the things about the other person that initially attracted you to them when you first met. This is going back to the early building blocks of your relationship, and hence bypasses a lot of the later stuff which is probably the cause of the vast bulk of your arguments, and is the beginning of most couples counseling techniques, but without the high dollar per hour cost. Also, when you first met is a much clearer period of time then many other periods in your relationship. It will be something that both parties will be able to remember, and the only reason you or your partner won’t be able to come up with ‘reasons’ for their initial attraction is because the current state of your relationship is clouding their judgement temporarily. Try to get past that though, and come up with genuine answers.

What the exercise in this article and the ones in  books like 1000 questions for couples does, is to recognise that simply by answering questions, or imagining that earlier time in your head, you can evoke what is called a ‘state change’ in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). This is where your mood changes suddenly, and in the case of these questions, hopefully for the better. If you were in a miserable mood, but then someone knocked on the door and told you that you had won the lottery. The next five seconds would be an example of how quickly a state change can happen in your mood. In short it is designed to improve communications between you, and in so doing improve your marriage. That is what the book and the attraction exercise are all about.

Marriage counsellors will usually be very adept at helping couples struggling through these times. Whether it is a Christian marriage or any other, there are places and people you can go to that will help you and the one you love get through this. Marriage can change people, so sitting down and taking a good hard look at yourself, and seeing where you have changed can be a good first step. Finding your old self can be a difficult task, especially after you consider all the things you have been through over the time when the marriage was not going well. If you do the exercise I suggested as a first action then you will be able to notice the glimmer of sunshine that focusing on good times brings. It is only the first step on what may be a longer journey. But at least it marks a new start to an effort to improve your marriage.


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